Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
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