I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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