Is it because I queefed?
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
