That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
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