All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
