she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I need a beard to bite.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
