Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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