how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I think i peed on brittanys purse
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
