ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
