genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
