The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
