tonight lets celebrate not being married
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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