I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
