They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
I think my vagina is haunted
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
