I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
