You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
