You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize