Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
