my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
