Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
He better not be in your backpack
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
