1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
