i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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