I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
