yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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