So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
