Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Randomize
