I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize