My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
