yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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