I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize