someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
wow bdsm is so cute
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
