I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
