I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Randomize
