dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
