i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
Barsexuality is the new black.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
