did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Couch. On fire.
Randomize
