You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
