I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize