She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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