I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Randomize