Say something about gay babies.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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