Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
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