Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
