I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
