My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
