Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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