Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
