guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
