i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
