Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
