Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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