We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
