and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
