woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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