Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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