Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
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