matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
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