i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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