Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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