: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
