I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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