She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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