Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
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