i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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