can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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